Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never,...Well, OK

     As most of you know, I have been taking care of Ma a long time.  I have recently been really concerned with her physical and mental health.  She hasn't been out of bed for four days starting last Thursday and I have been pestering her to go to the hospital and she has flatly refused.  I asked twice on Friday, twice on Saturday and three times on Sunday.  I called my brother to have him talk to her and he showed up about one PM this afternoon.  Before he entered the apartment building I talked to him on the phone and expressed my concern that she would not cooperate with his pleas either, he assured me he would try but promised nothing.  Seven and one-half minutes later he called me back and said he and Ma were on the way to the hospital.  It is certainly in her best interest, but I am kinda pissed that I spent four days begging her to go without any level of success and in seven and one-half minutes he has her in the car and on the way.  I really feel kind of diminished and hurt.  I have devoted six years of my life to her care and my brother, who has young children and can't help often, gets his request met in minutes.  It took longer for Napoleon to surrender at Waterloo than it took for Ma to go to the hospital with my brother. 

     It is kinda like Dad's final months when the German Blond Beauty Gretchen was his hospice nurse and I  would talk to Dad about his declining condition and tell him of observations I made and he would ignore me.  Then the Blond Bombshell would tell him exactly the same thing and he would report it to me like it was the first time he heard it.  Do Shanty Elder's automatically discount their primary caregivers observations out of spite or is it that I have become a noisy gong that sounds regularly that is never heard?  I lived in South Buffalo near the steel mills much of my life.  I went away for several years and returned to find I had trouble sleeping due to noise from a drop forge that had been operating since I was a child.  After one month I didn't notice it anymore.  Have I become Ma's drop forge?  I know she is angry at me at the loss of her independence.  We have had several "Come to Jesus" meetings over the last few years when her anger at me turned outward in some delusional rant.  The last time she exploded I told her, "You are up to your ass in buttermilk and you complain like your being poisoned".  She usually quiets for a month or more when I invoke her "Almighty Jesus'" name.  I know she is grateful for the attention I pay to her needs but she resents it at the same time.  She acts like a petulant child who pushes his parents to the limit just to see them dance.  Maybe I am not the Ringmaster in this delusional circus, but merely one of the acts.

     I must confess that I see that the end is nearing and I feel deep fear and inadequacy at the prospect of her dying under my care.  With Dad it was a fore drawn conclusion that he was going to die and I eventually reached a place where I was comfortable with it, additionally Dad and I  had the same plumbing.  Mothers are special creations to their sons.  Madonna's that are above being female, they are completely holy.  Ma's delusional forays leave me impatient, agitated and feeling guilty.  She doesn't have a terminal illness with foreseeable outcomes, she will expire without warning in some ungodly situation where I will have to do and see things no son should ever be exposed to.  I must confess I relish her admission to the hospital today and might be in a place where I need to put her into a assisted care facility.  I guess I just want my life back.  I have taken care of others for too many years and need a little TLC myself.

     I feel guilty about the way I am thinking.  I am torn between concerns about whether I am being selfish or objective.  What is in Ma's best interest at this point.  She doesn't take medicine without being cajoled.  She doesn't eat properly.  She has delusional episodes.  She costs me more in TP expense than I have spent on myself my entire life.  I am confused and concerned about what my family will think of the callous way I will have to act in order to pull off putting her in a home.