The truth is Ma is diminishing. She is mired in the recent loss of my sister and father. Her logic is spotty at best and she is in a transition to the next plane. She has lost the will to live. She sits with her shoulders slouched and her face is haggard. She talks to my father and sister constantly when she thinks I can't hear. The fat lady is warming up to sing Ma's song.
I am not sure exactly how I feel about the inevitability of Ma's moving on. I would like for her to pass peacefully in her sleep but don't want to be the one to discover her, but there really is no one else. I feel very strongly about my Mother's dignity, I don't want to find her in some state of disrepair or in an undignified position. I can't think of anything more undignified than being in the necessary room at the time you get called to move on. I have seen some horrific things in my lifetime and was not as deeply affected by them as I think I will be at my Mother's final time. She has given so much purpose to my life, given me an identity as a "good son", I wonder what purpose I will find after that time. Of what purpose will I be when my job is done? Will I find another to care for? How will I define myself in my minds eye?
I am really confused about who I will become when I don't have the protection of my identity as Ma's caregiver to shield me from the world. She is my job, my sense of self, my excuse for not living fully. Her care gives me an escape from every difficult social situation, every invitation that would require commitment to some emotionally demanding liaison. She has been, as always, my greatest defense against emotional involvement. It is time for me to move on with my own life.
