Old Lady Survival Kit

There are few things more important to the comfort and happiness of an elderly woman than toilet paper. I purchase 30 1000 sheet rolls every 45 days. That is 30,000 sheets, enough to wipe all the derrieres in the town of Shenandoah, Wyoming (population 297) for 2 weeks. I never realized the many uses for sunshine paper; the obvious, to clean ones glasses, to blow one's nose, to clean the things you spill off the floor, to clean the porcelain throne, to put on or remove makeup, to apply topical medications, and my personal favorite lining the seat of the toilet you just cleaned so you can sit without fear of catching germs from another user. It is critical that one never use the roll completely before replacing it on the dispenser. 200 or 300 sheets must be left on each roll when it is disposed of to insure maximum waste. Another necessary component of the sunshine paper dance is to precariously place the core on the edge of the holder so an unsuspecting user who tugs at the roll can dislodge it from its' perch and watch helplessly as it falls into the bowl rendering the unit unusable. A bonus is that said user must reach into the bowl and remove the moistened mass of mache'. Hopefully the core does not come from the roll and a second dive into the abyss is not required.